After reading ‘Matrimonial Pressures’ in the last issue of Beyond Sindh, a reader from Canada contacted me in the hopes of learning more about the mindset of male Sindhis with regard to the subject of arranged marriage. More specifically:
“What if Ravi eventually succumbed to the pressure? What would his reaction be to an unanticipated proposal? Would he even be amenable to an arranged marriage?”
Not wanting to disappoint an avid fan, I put on my boots and headed out in search of our frequent fixture, “Anonymous Ravi”. Fortunately, I was able to find him at the foothills of the Himalayas in Nepal teaching Bharatnatyam to the local children. As always, Ravi obliged and as we accepted some tea from one of the sherpas, Ravi began to digress.
“Although I haven’t been through the whole ‘maiti’ procedure as yet, I have to admit, the mere thought of it freaks me out. To begin with, there’s the pressure of meeting a stranger and her family for coffee with the underlying pretense that this may be the woman you end up marrying. If that’s not pressure enough, a number of families fly great distances just for that meeting with you! Add to that the fact that you know practically nothing about the girl and are supposed to figure out enough to make a decision after four meetings, and that’s if her parents are liberal!
Granted that you’ll never really get to know someone 100% but one should have a pretty good idea about the individual he intends on spending the rest of his life with especially with the increased number of divorces and broken engagements in the Sindhi community. Such a familiarity cannot be deduced in a handful of meetings where the girl and her family are putting their best foot forward. Understandably, the boy and his family are doing the same, but I’m here because you want to know about the male perspective, n’est ce pas? As most readers of the magazine already know, I’ve seen, heard, and unfortunately endured some ‘crazy’ experience in life and as a result, the thought of marrying a stranger scares the living daylights out of me.
Having said that, I recently succumbed to the pressures from the high priestess herself, my mother, and gave her the green light to begin the “process”. However, I had one stipulation; I requested that she allow me to find out about the girl before moving ahead. The purpose of this was to gain some insight on the individual through my network of friends, thus enabling me to decide whether to move forward or not. Unfortunately, I discovered it wasn’t quite that simple.
It began when my mother handed me a dozen ‘Bio-Datas’. For those of you who don’t know, a Bio-Data is a resume with some additional details such as height, eye colour, skin complexion and shoe size! (Perhaps not the shoe size but you get my drift.) I looked through the papers and didn’t know what my mother expected from me. Perhaps a, “Yes mummy, I think Saraswati from Kalyan is a match worth pursuing, especially since she stands 5’7 ½ , has a café latte complexion, black eyes, and can make round chapatis. Yummy!.” Often these Bio-Datas are accompanied with photographs of the individual. Personally I don’t have too much faith in pictures, especially glamour shots. Certainly attraction is an important factor but since you’re going to be spending the rest of your life with them, one needs to discover a deeper allure which cannot be attained by ogling a 5x7 photograph. Instead, by getting to know an individual, you begin to view them in a different light and in most cases a deeper attraction will dawn - an attraction that will stand the test of time.
Needless to say, I was more confused than ever. Still, I took things in stride and contacted my friends, (otherwise known as ‘Team Ravi’,) and inquired about the names on the data sheets. After the chuckling subsided they began to tell me the little they knew about the individuals. Most of it was along the lines of, “She’s sweet, slim, tall, nice, goes out and parties, but not too wild etc.” In spite of the brief yet positive reviews, I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mother to move forward. For some reason, I expected the information they provided would allow me to make a concrete decision. Unfortunately, I still found myself at a loss. At that point, I began to wonder what in the world could they have told me about a female that would actually have me turn to my dear mother and say to her: “make it so!” The truth: there was nothing they could’ve said.
After some soul searching, I was able to figure out a number of answers. It wasn’t that I was against getting married or meeting new people; the point where I kept chocking was when it came to involving the parents and making the whole procedure ‘official’. Meeting the girl one on one, and then proceeding to meet the parents, is a far more appealing alternative; however, such cases are rare in the Sindhi Community.
Anyway, the more I think about the maiti process, the more confused I get. My thoughts spiral into a web of frustration, at which point I just drop the whole idea for a couple of weeks until it’s brought up again. I know my mother will soon turn the screws and force me to break through my phobia and attend one of these meetings. Perhaps that’s exactly what I need in order to truly understand the dynamics and conquer my fear. Like my friends say,” You’ll never know until I give it a shot.”
The truth is, regardless of sex, we all have our reservations about arranged marriages. For example, some fear the guilt of rejecting, or the possibility of being rejected while others prefer to believe in the notion that they have a soul mate out there waiting to be found. Either way, the prospect of an arranged marriage is a reality for many Single Sindhis out there, and at the end of the day we each have to choose the path that’s right for us. For some it’s a punch line; for the others, it’s a viable option worth considering. All that matters is what is it for you? As for our very own Ravi, I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to share his maiti experiences with us 6 months from now. Till then, good luck to Ravi and the singles out there.
By
Chandru Bhojwani
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
The Fear of Arranged Marriage.
Matrimonial Pressures
In a recent conversation, a reader from Suriname stated that after a particular age, Sindhi women undergo a great deal of matrimonial pressure and wondered what it was like for Sindhi men. Fortunately, I didn’t have to go too far to learn about the pressures that most men have to deal with since “Anonymous Ravi” from our last issue was more than happy to shed some light on the topic:
“The truth is that most men that I know do have to deal with a certain amount of pressure; however, it doesn’t compare to what Sindhi women are faced with. For instance, female friends often tell me that they hate attending social gatherings because Aunties are always in their face telling them how pretty they are and repeatedly asking why they aren’t married “Yet!”. Most women seem to face pressure from all angels at all times. Comparatively, the pressure that Sindhi males face is not as constant but more so comes at us in short, intense bursts. During these bursts every other comment is marriage related for instance, when I walk around in my basketball attire, my mother often says, “who is going to marry you? Who is going to believe you are twenty-‘bleep’? You look 16! Change your clothes”, or “when you get married, come talk to me and I’ll tell you how to produce a son,” to which I immediately thought ‘Mummy is going to tell me about ‘Kama-Sutra’ positions? Arghh! I sense a Greek tragedy coming!’. As a Sindhi male gets older, the period between the intense bursts shortens and like a woman suffering contractions during labor, the pressure mounts. In the back of our mind we can almost hear mum saying “Breathe, Push, Breathe, Push!”. Still, whatever Sindhi males have to face bares no comparison to the constant pestering women deal with only on a regular basis and also, from a younger age.
One of the many reasons for the pressure variation between the sexes is age. It’s a well known fact amongst the Sindhi community that mothers of males tend to target the younger Sindhi women because they believe she can be “molded” to fit the male. Mothers would argue that as a woman gets older, she begins to get set in her ways and thus, may not be very compromising. This implies that as Sindhi females age, the odds of them finding a quality “maitee” subsides. To prevent this, a majority of parents focus on getting their daughter married off at a young age. Although the pressure does escalate as Sindhi men get older, what with Nani slapping on the guilt trip by telling you that she’d like to see you married before passing on into the after life, it still doesn’t equal what women suffer. Not only do they go through the same pressure but so do the girls parents. In fact, some of the elders end up blaming the female for not being married, implying that she is defected in someway. Men however, aren’t usually plagued with the issue of being too old and we often find men of 32 and above marrying considerably younger women.
Most parents would agree that achieving their duty of getting their offspring married has become increasingly difficult over time. Back in the day, parents had simple goals and techniques, and although the goals haven’t changed, their techniques have evolved to counter the resistance put forth by the independent youth of today. To illustrate my point better, I’ll share a recent incident that took place between my mother and I. The background is as follows: she was insisting that I attend one of those Sindhi conferences to meet someone on my own, and I wasn’t too wild about the idea. Realizing this, she deployed Operation “Putu Ji Maytee,” which was a three stage maneuver.
Stage 1:
She began by brining up the topic of the conference at times when I didn’t expect it: at dinner, while sitting watching television and even calling me at work. Usually I said we’d talk about it later or altogether brushed it off thinking she’d leave me alone. However, this phase was simply to soften me up for stage 2.
Stage 2:
She called me out of my room and insisted I sit down to discuss a serious matter with her. Eventually, I followed her instructions and she hit me with the “AGE FACTOR”. That’s right, she told me about how old she and my father were and how their wish was to see me settled with a wife. Without a doubt, this ‘Nani’ ploy sent my mind whirring, and I began to think more about the matter. Still, she knew that for me to take the plunge, she’d need to do more, and my Lord, did she do more!
Stage 3: This was the clincher!
I came home on a regular Saturday afternoon, and mum opened the door for me with a big smile on her face. I assumed she must have seen something funny on Sony or Ztv and continued to walk in to the living room. As soon as I entered, I saw two kids (probably between the ages of 3 and 5) sitting on the sofa, drinking a coke. I turned towards my mum thinking, “They aren't mine, HONEST!!!!...at least not BOTH of them!”. She informed me that they came along for a ride with the driver. After breathing a sigh of relief, I sat next to the kids and turned on the cartoon network, and figured I was done. Mum continued to talk to them as they gulped down their beverage. She then followed them out as they left and once again, smiled at me. I didn’t understand why, but I guess it was because she was about to slam the nail into the coffin! After shutting the door, she came back in to the living room and I had to ask, only to set myself up:
“Why are you smiling?”
Too which she raised her hands to the heavens and quickly brought them down to her sides while saying:
“WHEN AM I GOING TO HAVE GRANDKIDS TO CHASE ME AROUND?”
The turkey had been stuffed and the Goose was cooked. The package was signed, sealed and delivered. The dope had been roped. Game over!
I put my hand over my face and shook my head. The combination was perfect. First she “Jabbed” with the marriage pressure followed by a solid “Hook” about the age and then the knock out “Uppercut” was the grandkids! I wasn’t prepared for this match up and subsequently booked my seat and attended the conference. She not only put the marriage pressure but jumped forward a step and threw in the grandkids. Usually the pressure was a gradual process but this was below the belt.
Mother: 1 Putu: 0”
Sadly Ravi’s case isn’t an isolated one, and many of us Sindhi males are victims of such crafty behavior. Even though research is underway to find methods to prevent us falling into such traps, the funding is no where near enough. Those interested in sending donations, please email me for details.
So my dear Suriname, the truth is most Sindhi males, although at a later age, do face a certain level of pressure and guilt trips from their family however, it doesn’t measure up to what Sindhi women face.
I hope this gives you a better idea of what a lot of us blokes out there deal when it comes to finding a “Joye” and next time you think about how easy it is for us men, think about “vecharo” Ravi.
Now, who wants to see my “chati”?
By
Chandru Bhojwani
The Dangers of Drinking
The question is, why is it that a majority of people have a need to ‘reach out and touch someone’ whenever they’ve had a few too many Bacardi Breezers? Especially when the end result is always the same; brushing your teeth in front of the mirror and last night hits you like an acid flashback and you shake your head in shame and embarrassment. Promises are made never to drink again or never to drink as much, but you succumb to the same fate, over and over again. No matter whether you call an EX complaining about ‘why did you do this’ and ‘how could you….’ or a new romantic interest professing your love, most would argue that ANY sort of Drunk Dialing is a bad idea!
The damage caused by Drunk Dialing isn’t only limited to EXs or ‘new interests’ but can harm existing relationships as well. To illustrate how dangerous the Drunk Dial is and also to prevent us from making the same mistakes, a young Sindhi individual has volunteered to share his experience. The only stipulation on his part is that he remains anonymous.
Ravi discusses the night in question (The Names have been changed to protect the guilty);
“A few years ago when I was a young adult living in the UK, I had been out on the town the previous night. I guess I had a few too many since most of the latter part of the evening was a blur. I woke up the next afternoon and called my girlfriend who lived in the US. When I go through I discovered she had already left for work. I thought that was rather odd since we spoke every morning but I shrugged it off. I tried calling her at work a little while later but they said she hadn’t arrived and maybe she was at one of the other sites. The rest of the afternoon and part of the evening passed in this manner of chasing the cat. I kept calling and kept missing her. I left messages at almost every site but never heard back. I started to panic since it was highly irregular for us not to have spoken in the day. Eventually I got hold of her at one of the locations and she was highly surprised to hear from me;
“RAVI!” she bellowed ““What are you doing?”
“What am I doing? Where the hell have you been?” I inquired
“What do you mean? I’m at work”
I was really upset at this point and wasn’t shy about expressing my anger.
“How come you haven’t called me?” I demanded
“What do you mean? I didn’t even expect to hear from you”
I found that an odd answer and made no sense to me.
“What do you mean you didn’t expect to hear from me? Why wouldn’t you expect to hear from me?”
“Well, because you broke up with me last night”
What? When? Where? Who? What? What? What? The shock and confusion slapped me hard! What was she talking about?
“What!? What are you talking about?”
“Don’t you remember? You called me last night and told me it wasn’t working out and broke up with me”
In the panic and confusion, I tried to think back to the previous night but my minds eye couldn’t penetrate the fog from the alcohol fumes.
“No, I didn’t, it wasn’t me” Who did I think I was, Shaggy?
“Yes you did Ravi! You called and broke up with me!”
Something began to feel vaguely familiar but I wasn’t sure if it actually happened or my mind was playing tricks on me and trying to convince me. I figured that denying it right now wouldn’t achieve anything and it was time for damage control. All I had to do was apologies and explain the situation. Nothing’s changed and we’ll be back together, it was just last night and she loves me so it’ll be ok;
“Baby, I don’t remember breaking up with you. I’m sorry. Forget it, we didn’t break up alright? I was being stupid. We’re still together alright?”
There was a long pause and I thought the line got disconnected;
“Hello? Rasna, Baby, you there?”
“Yes, yes, I’m here, sorry”
“What happened?” I asked
“Well…….”
Once again, she paused
“Well What?”
“………I already started picturing life without you Ravi”
Ravi informed us that one Drunk Dial destroyed his relationship of two years. That and the fact that he found out Rasna had been cheating on him for a year but that still doesn’t take away from the ramifications of the Drunk Dialing
Here are a few tips for those who tend to loose control after a few pints;
Delete all numbers of EXs and potential interests from your phone
Before departing for a night on the town, disconnect your phone
Plaster post-it notes all over your home
Call all potential Drunk Dialees before and warn them not to answer your call
Call a good friend, preferably of the same sex
Ensure you have friends around you to prevent you from calling
The fact is, there is no fool proof, preventative measure for Drunk Dialing. At some point you will slip and make a fool of yourself. The next day you’ll wish it was a dream but eventually you’ll have to face the music. All you can pray for is that you dial safe!
Safe Dialing
By
Chandru Bhojwani
Ice Breakers
Along with trying to hit the tying free throw with seconds left on the clock and facing a 2-3 pitch at the bottom of the ninth with your team down 1, “Ice Breakers” are arguably one of the most intense pressure situations single Sindhis face today.
Unfortunately Ice Breakers such as, “Do you come here often?”, “What’s your star sign” and “Can I check your collar to see if you’re made in heaven” just don’t have the same pizzazz they once had. Add to that the new-ish world of the internet and ‘Friendster’ and the whole game just got a lot harder. What is a person supposed to say, “Hey, I liked the font you used for your profile, damn sexy yaar”? Anyway, let’s not get ahead of ourselves and instead, break it down.
1. P2P (Person 2 Person)
P2P applies to ‘Stone Cold’ (not the wrestler) Ice Breaking. You may be at some sort of gathering and notice someone well, worth noticing. Most of us are too shy to walk across that abyss between yourself and the ‘target’. If you’ve ever tried it, you’ll feel the pressure mount with every step until you fear your vertebrae will crack! When you set off on your mini odyssey, you have a plan but half way you discover how pathetic the plan really is. By then, it’s far too late and turning back isn’t an option. When you arrive at your destination with clammy palms, you’ve already lost unless, she likes you and there is very little you can say wrong except;
“Who are your parents? What do they do? Want to go for a spin in my Honda Accord?”
Looking at it from a male perspective (if I had a natural woman’s perspective, that would be disturbing), women don’t make it easy. They may ‘shoot’ us a look *dishhknaau dishhknaau * (you know who you are) and mistakenly think its enough. Firstly, are you aiming accurately?
“Hi puddin’ I saw you shoot me a look, can I buy you a whisky black?”
“Urrm, No it was the other guy, sorry. I guess I need some target practice”
Secondly, most men don’t have a clue even if it jumped up and grabbed their butt. Actually, that would be a pretty decent clue.
A majority of men have issues with the physical gap between them and the blossoming flower at the other end so my suggestion is to try and find a territory suitable to both e.g the Bar or Dessert cart. Gents, you can only hope that she leaves her kitty group and meets you there to make it less intimidating. If not, drown your sorrows of rejection with booze or some sort of pastry.
I am aware that ladies prefer the man to walk through their rummy group and talk to them but that may not always lead to the best catch.
Thus to summarize, a little help please!
2. The Online Affair
The argument for the online affair swings both ways. On one hand you aren’t put in the spot and performing from the shadows can leave you loose and uninhibited so you can let your best work rip via your keyboard. Then again, who are you really talking too? Eventually, if all goes well, you’d end up meeting your cyber-love but now you are in the spot light. In fact the situation is likely to be more awkward since you’d know your MSN/AIM buddy quite well and yet they’d be a stranger or worse, your own brother/sister!
3. The ‘FRIENDSTER’ Equation
For those that don’t know about the newest craze, ‘www.friendster.com’. Add me, I’m looking to hit 500 and need 499 more friends. First, one browses through and finds a cutie they’d like to know. Then, you’ll notice they have more friends on their page then people you’ve met in your entire life. You wonder how to make a positive impact without making it obvious that you are simply interested in them because of their picture. You’ll come up with some drivel such as “Wow, you certainly have a lot of friends, you must be really popular”. Nice one chief! At the end of the day, either you’ll be ignored or deleted unless you send a stellar message or they too find you attractive. In few cases, you’ll come across individuals who are open to just meeting people, any people.
4. The Walk By
How many times have you been walking on a street and see someone coming towards you from the opposite direction that just blew your mind? The moment only lasts for a few seconds as the gap between the two of you quickly deteriorates with every step. At first you are memorized by their star quality and by the time you realize that something should be done, they’ve passed you by and the gap widens with each step. You hope they turn around and stop you and vice-versa. At work and tell your friends about this “Oh My God!” person and regret not having done anything. Question is…what do you do? It’s a tough situation and requires quick thinking, a reflex almost. Whatever you do, don’t grab them and say “You parents are thieves for they stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes” otherwise we’ll have another Rodney King incident on our hands. I’d suggest turn around, walk beside them and say;
“Would you mind if I joined you? I just realized we’re both heading in the same direction”. If that’s not charming enough, make sure you aren’t late for work!
At the end of the day children, unless you try……you’ll never know! What’s the worst that could happen, you miss the free throw or you strike out. Its’ only a game and there’s always next season.
By
Chandru Bhojwani
From the Air to the Strip
This is a journey like no other. A journey which will take you through different worlds and three continents. To some, this will be a travel guide; to others, a funny story to share at parties; for me….this is life.
The night prior to departure, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I got myself into. The next morning I was leaving from London for Mumbai via Kuwait on Kuwait Airways. Usually I wouldn’t consider this air carrier however, owing to my late booking I wasn’t left with much choice. After making the booking, I consulted my brother who reassured me by saying; “It’s not a bad airline, in fact its better then Gulf Air and the movies are pretty good.” I guess these days the quality of an airline is measured by the caliber of movies they present. The fact that my friends couldn’t stop laughing about my choice of airline wasn’t a comfort.
When I arrived at Heathrow at 7.30 am, three hours before departure, there was nothing but long queues. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. In fact, I had to walk to the front of the line with my trolley and followed the line right to its end just to make sure I was seeing right.
While waiting, my thoughts began to wander and I started envisioning what the flight would be like. Would the breakfast menu include ‘shwarmas’ and ‘phalefells’? Would a light come on indicating that passengers can smoke while the air stewards would distribute personal ‘sheeshas’ with a choice of Apple, Strawberry or fat-free Cinnamon flavored tobacco? Did George Lucas get the idea of Darth Vader after seeing an air steward in a ‘burkha’? I can see it now, “Gulf Wars; The Houmus Strikes Back”.
After boarding the flight I was a tad parched and requested for a glass of water. I waited. I asked again. Waited some more. After some time, I finally got a cup. Half way through, I paused and wondered if I ought to hold on to the remaining water for the rest of the journey. “To hell with it,” I threw caution to the wind and gulped the rest.
After a short nap, I noticed that our departure was delayed by almost two hours and we were still at Heathrow! When we were finally in the air, I requested for another drink and was kept waiting once again. Anyone see a pattern here? There is more to this airline - ‘Q-Wait’
While in transit in Kuwait, I took some time out to buy some gifts. I was surprised when I saw the prices, though. A bald friend of mine had assured me that colognes and perfumes would be cheaper at Kuwait, but he was sorely mistaken and unfortunately it was I that had to pay the price, double to be precise.
Once the gate opened to board the onward flight to Mumbai, all the passengers ran to the entrance where they were instructed to not only put their baggage through their X-ray machine but their shoes and belts as well. I walked through the metal detector clutching my jeans and wondered if I should consider this a “Quarter Monty”. Make sure to wear tight trousers when transiting via Kuwait.
Before boarding, the air hostess came out and insisted that they would board according to row numbers, and people not in the mentioned rows would have to wait. I wanted to jump up and scream “HALLELUJAH, Praise the Lord! Can I get an Amen!” For once I was actually boarding a plane to Mumbai without feeling as though I was at Madras train station. Now all I had to worry about was the race to Immigration once we land and the vultures who are waiting to extort whatever they can from NRIs (Non-Resident Indians).
I arrived in India and after managing to make my way out of the airport, I jumped into one of the local cabs. It was then that I realized the evolution of the Indian taxi had reached a pause. The bland Fiat Premier had first started simply with the taxi driver stopping the vehicle to charmingly spit tobacco on to the road. Later on, passengers were provided with Bhajan music albeit at one volume: LOUD. The other option is ‘off’ which is actually my preference. The next step in the progression was the addition of the air conditioner and voila….the ‘Cool Cab’ was born. At this point, cabbies began to wonder what to do next? How could they possibly improve on their service?
Welcome to the new and improved ‘MULTI-PURPOSE CAB!’
On your next trip to Mumbai, you will be pleased to find cabs with a variety of features that is guaranteed to cater to your personal taste. Some will come with a variety of coloured lights while others will have small temples on the dashboard. For those whose tastes are a tad saucier, you may come across a cab with a mirrored roof and a slim shiny pole from the roof to the bottom of the cab which is placed right between the driver and passenger seat. It doesn’t stop there - the cab comes fully fitted with a variety of upholstery, light fittings such as mini chandeliers, and incense sticks to further entice the senses. Welcome to the new and improved ‘Indian Cab’; taxi by day, mobile strip club by night.
One thing to remember, though, is B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Stripper).
By
Chandru Bhojwani
Life Begins at 30
An article published in the April-June edition of BSM entitled ‘Single and Searching,’ focused on why so many of today’s youth are still single even with the advances in communication and travel. It stressed the low level of tolerance and high expectations individuals have in today’s drive through culture while emphasising the need to compromise and realise what is in front of us in order to prevent from losing out and regretting later. After reading the article, a reader responded and wrote;
‘Nicely written but made me feel as the 'older' woman, that you were really promoting going for the younger girls in turn alienating us even more. It’s really difficult being here at 30 and single and these words really don't help. Take what a man feels like day by day and take those emotions and multiply it by 10, and then you will understand how a woman feels.
Maybe your next article can be about us thirty-somethings who really are great, no actually, we are FABULOUS people and are still worth taking off the shelf and taking a chance on. After all, I may be older, but I am just as willing to compromise as the 24 year old. I'm just more mature, and wiser, and know a little bit more about life. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be willing to bend to make a relationship work. I have had to wait so long for one, that if it does come along, I'm not going to shoot the gift horse in the mouth. I think some of the younger 24 year olds don't always realise what they have’
– Anon 30 yrs Female UK
As requested dear reader, I have taken up the gauntlet and will delve into the subject of how FABULOUS we thirty-some things are and are worth more than simply taking a chance on. However, before I begin I stress that this is a generalized view and not a personal attack. Every rule has exceptions so before the hate mail pours in remember, this isn’t necessarily about you!
There is a common notion amongst the Sindhi community that a younger male/female can be moulded. One could argue that since they don’t know exactly what they want, they can be shaped and also more able to compromise. However, is it really compromise if you aren’t really aware of what one is giving up or sacrificing?
Another reader writes;
‘Yes we may get more set in our ways, but it may also mean we just have a better idea of what we want from life, we are more the person we are meant to be. And if a man or women looks at the opposite sex in their 30s they may actually see the true person that they are’
– Anon 29 yrs Female UK
During several discussions with a group of men as to what age range of women they prefer, the consensus was usually split. Some prefer younger women for numerous reasons while the group that preferred older women sited the following reasons;
They know what they want
They don’t play games
More experienced
Women on the other hand feel it’s hard to find a quality man regardless of age. A number of women residing in the US state that a majority of local Indian men including those above thirty still have a college mentality and behave like boys. As a result, these women have decided to seek for a potential partner overseas in hopes that he will be more mature than the local stock. Meanwhile men argue that women are confused and aren’t really sure of what they want. In this case men should perhaps consider looking at women in their 30s who ‘have a better idea of what they want from life’.
Today, infidelity after marriage is a concern for both sexes. Even though women are no strangers to the world of adultery, a majority of them struggle to find that ‘quality needle’ in the constantly surmounting haystack. The arguable difference is that the older woman realizes the size of the stack and in turn appreciates the value of the needle while a younger woman may not.
Now if we flip the coin once again, older men who have left college days back in college are generally more mature and settled. Perhaps because they are older they are more ‘seasoned’ and have got whatever they needed out of their system. The wisdom that comes with age and experience would in turn allow them to take care of their wives better.
‘I feel, one should put in sufficient effort to search for a partner, but once you have chosen one, you should try to mould yourself according to your partner and not just expect him/her to change as per your desires. Acceptance is the key to success here. We may never find perfect partners but we can always make a perfect marriage by the bonds of love, understanding and acceptance’
– Anon 28 yrs Male UK
In ‘Single and Searching’ I focused on two main points. The first is to REALISE what you have in a world that continues to diminish in value, and make a conscious effort to appreciate in a society where it’s only natural to take for granted. The second is COMPROMISE. Most married couples will argue that the first six months to two years are the hardest of a marriage. This is not to say that a marriage cannot be beautiful and romantic but like any relationship, it requires work, support, and nurturance. Another reader responded by writing;
‘It’s not just about realization or about compromising. It's about finding someone decent. Perfection, name, money doesn’t matter. What matters is finding someone decent. Decent enough to stand by you through thick and thin, through good and bad. And if it means I stay single for a while, I’d rather do that than get married to someone who is an a**hole. Someone I would hate my children looking up to as a father, someone who would set a wrong example of fatherhood. I am not saying I’m perfect– definitely not. But deep down I’d like to think that I’m a decent human being.
People compromise in their lives, in their jobs, in their marriages, in their dreams, in their families. But like everything in life, it's about coming half way, about doing the right thing, and about standing next to each other as a 'team' when everything around you breaks apart. Sure team members would crib, and have arguments, but in the end, they would work together towards achieving something good, something meaningful. Because deep down, they are thinking about the other person, about their families, and not about themselves. But if they are missing the basic value of decency, then the line between right and wrong is blurred, and the world only revolves around what you want, need and desire.
These very fights lead to resentment, and resentment to anger, and anger to indifference. A child will know when unhappy parents are having problems, and if we cant give them a childhood with good funny happy memories, then we are really messing up the world’
– Anon 30 yrs Female UAE
There are numerous factors that are required to make any relationship work in addition to compromise and realization. As the reader mentions, decency is core value that’s lacking in this day and age. In addition to that every relationship requires honesty, devotion, communication and patience to be successful. Perhaps realizing the importance of these requirements only comes with time and maturity?
‘Marriage is a compromise, but more than that, it is a journey that brings two souls to the same goal, however the couple defines that goal. Who you are when you meet is not who you will be throughout time in your relationship. Every conversation, every experience, every emotion that takes place within that relationship changes you, and as individuals, we are constantly changing. While core values and beliefs remain the same, the way we think versus the way we thought reflect our level of maturity.’
- Anon 29 yrs Female US
The strength, devotion and love in a relationship are not only measured by the good, but also how much of the negative is accepted and endured. Harold Kushner, author of ‘When bad things happen to good people’ writes, ‘Love is not the admiration of perfection, but the acceptance of an imperfect person with all his imperfections’. Older men and women are likely to have experienced how difficult it is to find a decent match. As a result they are more tolerant of their partners and willing to work things out, in turn building a solid foundation rather than discarding the person because they don’t fit perfectly.
At the end of the day in any relationship, young or older, we want to be loved and appreciated while being accepted for our flaws. Sure it’s a generalization but what sets the ‘30+’ crowd apart is the 30 plus years! There is no substitute for experience and that’s what makes us thirty-somethings so ‘FABULOUS!’
After all, life begins at 30
By Chandru Bhojwani
Single & Searching…
Such scenes were common back in the day of our grandparents and in some cases even our parents. However, that time has long passed. Owing to the constantly evolving world of technological communication combined with increasingly economical airfare, we are quite literally at each others fingertips. Yet with options in abundance, we still find numerous aging ‘youngsters’ single and searching. Parents are at a loss, wondering why their beta still hasn’t met the right person for them especially when they have so many friends of the opposite sex. I’m sure some parents have sat with their offspring with hopes of identifying the problem, and have gone as far as inquiring; ‘Puta, are you the gay? If so, we have a nice Sindhi family vith the gay child and they are the Bhaiband also.’
Some parents will argue that the youth of today are better off with the old-fashioned arranged marriage approach; in which one gets married to pretty much a stranger ans spends years getting to know them. By the time they realize they aren’t compatible, ten years and have passed and its too late to get out. But what was once considered taboo and detrimental to the ‘family name’ and reputation, divorce is now a viable option and continues to be so, as the number of broken marriages and engagements within the Sindhi community grows exponentially.
Hollowed has become the vow, ‘For better or for worse, till death do us part’ and its permanence has been replaced by ‘Its over, I’m out of here…thank God I signed a pre-nup!’ But to be fair, in numerous cases getting a divorce can be the only sane option. Many individuals have gotten involved with the ‘wrong’ sort from the Nino Brown wannabes who, under the radar, peddle drugs and porn, to the Ike Turner clones that feel beating their women makes them more of a man. For the unfortunate souls trapped in such a marriages, one can only hope that they get out sooner rather than later, and that they realize that it’s never too late.
Still, this doesn’t explain why it seems harder than ever to find that suitable match. Why is it that the number of women who are over thirty and single seem to be constantly rising? Why are men who are creeping towards forty, with a whisky gut and a lifetime supply of Rogaine still insisting on holding out?
The ladies can partly blame the old school mentality that a younger woman is easier to ‘mold’, indicating why men and their mothers aim for recent graduates. This in turn immediately excludes the older women that feel their ‘expiry date’ looming. But if you take a step back, you can at least understand (if not agree with) the philosophy especially when you replace the word ‘mold’ with ‘compromise’. The general conception is that the younger an individual, the more willing he/she is to compromise, regardless of their sex. This implies that the older people get the more set in their ways they become therefore making compatibility that much harder.
It is in that term, compromise or rather the lack thereof, where the problem facing the single generation of today lies. In today’s drive through culture, people seem to have developed high standards combined with a lower level of tolerance. Add to that the unrealistic expectations derived from both Hollywood and Bollywood’s depiction of love and romance, and its no surprise how many people are still single and searching! The sad truth is having expectations of a ‘plug & play’ mate only hinders and eventually harms one’s self. Quality people are few and far in between and to find one that you click with is almost like winning a lottery. There is no such thing as a readymade ‘perfect’ partner. Like everything else, time and practice makes perfect, and two individuals need to understand, compromise, and work together to attain unity. Sadly it seems this piece of knowledge has slipped through the cracks of time and evolution.
What makes it worse is that the actual level of quality in people continues to diminish as terms such as ‘morals’ and ‘values’ are almost punch lines. For instance there are females out there that feel it is acceptable for their spouse or fiancé to take a trip to Bangkok and enjoy a ‘special’ massage and I do mean ‘SPECIAL!’ If such is the trend then it is only a matter of time before ‘A Quality person’ will be nothing more than a then a myth. Ok perhaps not that extreme but you get the drift.
So what’s the solution? How does a single 24 year old female prevent herself from turning into a 32 year old woman who repeats, ‘if only I knew then what I know now?’ How does a 28 year old male who is reaching the peak of his youth prevent from turning into a fat, bald 40 year old whose closest companion is his remote control?
The answer is in two parts. Firstly, REALISATION! Realise that a good, quality person is hard to find. Realise that as time goes by, it will only get harder. Realise the number of people you have pursuing you will die down once you’ve passed your peak. Realise that it’s not about the cool guy who has all the connections in the clubs, gets a table and rides in a beamer or a benz. Realise it’s not about the ‘video chick’ with the highlights and spanking body who turns heads wherever she goes. Realise it’s about the person who hopes they turn your head! It’s about the person who thinks about you in every decision they make. It’s about the person who respects you and your relationship when they are with you and more so when you aren’t around. The first step is to REALISE what you have in a world that continues to diminish in value, and make a conscious effort to appreciate in a society where it’s only natural to take for granted.
Secondly, COMPROMISE. Most married couples will argue that the first six months to two years are the hardest of a marriage. Throw in some in-laws and you can multiply the intensity of the problems. It’s important to rid oneself of the glorified notions of marriage attained from the silver screen and have a realistic approach. This is not to say that a marriage cannot be beautiful and romantic but like any relationship, it requires work, support, and nurturance. It requires being considerate and thinking about the other person before yourself. Both individuals are on the same side, working towards the same shared goals. It’s the same philosophy as striving for perfection. It’s not about being right and being one up on your partner. Marriage is about being happy together.. It’s about compromising, swallowing your pride, surrendering your ego and focus on the person you are in love with.
The truth is that if you aren’t aware of it today, eventually you’ll discover the importance of realization and compromise. The only difference is the sooner the tube light switches on, the better. Look beyond the slick haired guy at the table ordering his ‘Mohit & Chandan’ champagne or past the video chick in her Louis Vuitton thong and you may just see someone special looking at you who would accept you just the way you are.
Now, who is looking at me?
By
Chandru Bhojwani